So last night I went to sleep really early thinking it would only be a nap and that I would naturally wake up in a few hours. I left my phone on silent so I wouldn't be disturbed in my sleep. A few hours turned into the rest of the night and I ended up waking up at 5AM after being completely knocked out. My first thoughts were "oh it's probably around 10pm" and I checked my phone to find not only that it was 5am, but that I had missed several phones calls and text messages from several people. I made myself go back to [a fitful] sleep and woke up later for work. Riding the train in, I felt this horrible feeling of void and longing. I miss my girl, but it was something more than that. I felt sorry that I had made people worry about my whereabouts, even if I was sleeping safely in my apartment. The point is, I never really thought about what it feels like to sincerely worry about someone. This made me think about death and the finality behind it. Once someone dies, that's it. It's a one way trip to somewhere unknown and none alive knows what happens there or if we'll get to see that person we knew again. It really is a depressing thing. And though the deceased have nothing to worry about in this life, they leave behind everyone who ever cared for them.
This brings me to my next thought-point. I've always had a huge fear of death - not just my own, but that of the people I most care about. Since I became conscious of this fear, I've always kept people at a distance. What's the point in loving someone and caring for someone when at any moment, they could die and leave you with the pain of their loss? Why should I try to establish or maintain a relationship with my family members when my parents are aging and their health is waning and my sisters are living their own lives in their own bubbles? If they died, would I grieve the loss relatively quickly and then move on? Or would I live in regret that I didn't enjoy their existence while they were still here? And what about all the people who I've interacted with (friends, past lovers, etc)? Will they be at my funeral? Or was my presence in their lives forgettable or even regrettable?
I've been on the verge of tears this entire morning because I realized that I've been taking everyone in my life for granted; not necessarily how they feel about me (I never take love for granted) but how I expect them to always be there, never really acknowledging their inevitable mortality...and..never really telling them how I feel about them. With friends (people who I've met recently, or who I've met in college), I find that it's easier because I've already established that rapport with them. Though they know me as the one who is always grumpy or the one with the tough exterior, I make it a point to let them know once they've made it through my prickly shell and touched my heart in some way. With family, however, it's entirely different. Our house was never one in which we uttered the words "I love you." We kind of just arbitrarily accepted the fact that our parents loved us and we, by default, loved them. It was never a touchy-feely situation where we were affectionate either. Rarely were hugs given or received and our relationships were pretty much limited to what we needed from each other (usually material).
As I've grown older and have witnessed death in other people's lives as well as my own, I've come to find that the people in my life are here for a reason and that no one of them will live forever. I need to tell the people I love that I do love them and become a positive part of their lives in some way. I love my mom, my olders sisters, my younger sister, my nephews and even my dad because in some way, they've all helped to shape who I am. I realized that if any of them were to pass, I would miss them terribly and would feel such utter regret at the thought that I didn't shower them with the love they deserved. I know it's going to be hard, and I know that I may face some scrutiny and criticism for my sudden change of heart, but I'd rather face that now while I can still change things, than face regret once they're gone.
The truth is, I'm a big, sensitive softy. I have a lot of love to give and though I may come off as coarse or rough, I do think about how my actions and my words affect others. I'm trying to change as a person; to grow and become a positive presence on this Earth is my one true goal. I promise to cherish every minute I spend with the people I love. I promise to take care of my body so that I can extend my stay here and give my love to others. I promise to be open-minded and to make it a point to remove judgment from my mind. Finally, I promise to love hard and sincerely and live life to the fullest. I hope, if you're a friend who's reading this, that I've made a positive contribution to your life and I will cherish that you've invited me into your heart.
peace.
"live the best life you can
and never let your dreams die
hold on to them
and they will hold on to you"
and never let your dreams die
hold on to them
and they will hold on to you"
1 comment:
i think you've addressed an interesting topic, and it is apparent in a lot of homes. We often do not tell people our real emotions, and the see ourselves regretting it when they pass. Like I keep saying, it is great when you recognize the problem, because there are a lot of people who live with their eyes closed. Now that you have addressed it, try to fix it and progress even if it isn't that easy. I know in my family we try to say i love you but its awkward to talk and to hug. So i definitely know how you are feeling. But since this is something that is on your mind, try to change it. Let the people you care for, know you care for them. My only point is to live for the moment! Do not worry about the past, and just express yourself the way you want to. I see a lot of inner growth in your blogs, keep them up, and keep realizing more. We live to grow! :)
Lory_A
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