here's another one.., vivid dream recollection

Wow, 3 blogs in one morning?! Good golly Ms. Molly!

I just needed to write b/c I remember the last dream I had last night pretty vividly and I wanted to know if anyone has any insights as to what it all means. Anyway, brace yourself, this one's long. Here we go..

So in this dream, I'm sleeping in my bed in my apartment (which adds to the creepy realness of it all) and I feel/hear someone walking into my apartment and into my bedroom. At this point I'm freaking out because I'm already paranoid about living in a new city BY MYSELF, but this was too much. I was feeling in the middle of being asleep and being awake; it's the weird place where you're conscious (or at least I thought I was) but you don't really have control of your body yet. So I'm aware of this (in my dream) and I'm lying there freaking out, but resolved to handle this situation. I'm lying there pretending to be asleep as this whatever-it-is is moving around my room and I'm preparing my body, making sure that I can feel and move all of my limbs and preparing myself to scream and scare the shit out of whatever's in my room..basically getting my body ready to spring into action and attack who/whatever's there. So in my fit of rage/craziness I lunge with my arms and make contact with a face. I felt a face on my hand, it was smooth and felt like a child's. Somehow, as I touched the face with my hand (and the feeling is still on my hand even after being awake for hours), I could see what this child looked like.. he was fair with dark hair and had a south american look to him. I'm sure I've never seen this child before. I see this short man leave my room (that part is kind of muddled..I don't remember if he comes in at this point in my dream or if I'm confusing it for his later appearance). So I spring up from bed, and this woman comes in..she seems to be a cop. I'm screaming at her asking her what just happened and why she's there. She comes by my bed and scoops up something buried in the sheets.. it's a baby. The baby boy was left at the foot of my bed. I suddenly am grateful to her because I realized that I might have stepped on and injured the baby if she hadn't come in. Though I can't remember her face now, I know based on residual dream feelings that I've never met her before in conscious life. So I follow her out of my room and find that it's connected to the apartment in the South Bronx where I grew up (ages 5-13) and from where my mom ran her seamstress business (these memories are making me super emotional..blah). So I walk out and somehow know to look out of the window to see a South American family living in what seemed to be a shack. The cop had returned the baby to them and I was shouting at them out of the window in Spanish while my mom's mother kept interrupting me as she stood behind me. I kept yelling at her to shut up but she kept interrupting me. I finally got the message out. Basically, the family was begging me to take the baby because there was no way they could take care of it in their poverty. I said I couldn't possibly because I was too young, but that I would be able to sponsor(?) him monthly and give them money towards his care. The baby was so cute and I felt bad for it, but I understood that I couldn't take that on. So I come back from the window and walk to my mom's sewing room where she's sitting, looking young and healthy and doing her work. I was sitting there and so was my little sister..and this huge dog (a bulldog?) was sitting next to my sister. And my mom was like [in spanish] "see I like those dogs..they drool a lot and they look scary but they're absolutely calm, like a big teddy bear." I also saw a few kittens/cats wandering around too. Her mother is there. We were discussing why we couldn't take the baby. The guy who left the baby (the one I thought I saw earlier) comes into the room and begs for us to take the baby. In the dream, I think "well, my mom had a hysterectomy and my dad always wanted a son, and it'd be cool to have a baby brother".. and somehow my mom hears the thought (or maybe I said it out loud?) and she's like, "no I'm too old to raise another child." So we turn them away again. I felt bad and in the end wanted to get the baby, but knew I couldn't possibly support it on my own and my parents weren't going to be supportive either. Somehow I felt like I let the baby down.

I don't remember how it transitioned to me waking up, but the first thing I did when I woke up was look at my bedroom door (which was still closed) to make sure that I was actually awake. I can't shake the image of the baby's face or the feeling of its face imprinted on my hand. And speaking spanish in my dream was also strange, since I used a lot of vocab I wasn't aware that I knew. It's weird. What does it all mean?


*vibes