After coming back from a long and obscene staff retreat, I realized that I was feeling like a fraud. The word itself is pretty heavy, but it's an adequate description of how I've been feeling. People I know hold me to high expectations. In fact, ever since I was identified as a "gifted child," I've had had my world carved out; a map with my path already highlighted on it handed to me.
This isn't especially a bad thing; I do enjoy structure. What's bad about this situation is that I'd rather be doing something else or at least following a different path. Yes, I want to be successful; yes, I want to have money and live comfortably. I did undergo a rigorous academic training program successfully. I did enroll at an independent school at hardly any cost to my family, and I did graduate (albeit a tad late) from an ivy league university. That doesn't mean I feel competent at any task I take on.
Aaaaand this is where I say: PAUSE because when I question my own intelligence and competence, that's when I know I need to check myself. So upon closer reflection, I've discovered that the core of my problems and doubts is my overwhelming lack of FOLLOW THROUGH.
[SIDEBAR: I'd be content being a beach bum/nomad, selling things just to get by, having no worries (and no money) and living a life of adventure. But because I'm a pussy and am too attached to my material possessions/a relatively stable lifestyle, I need to get my shit together to have the life I crave. Backpacking through Europe? YES! but happily knowing that I can finance it and at the end of the trip, have a stable place to come home to]
I don't normally follow through on things I should (with the few exceptions being what I'm truly and honestly passionate about). This either stems from chronic procrastination or from general laziness. Now, I'd like to believe that I'm not lazy - though I do admit to being able to waste preposterous amounts of time doing NOTHING (read: playing video games/lying in bed for hours) - and that it's just a lack of passion to light a fire under me. I know I work well under pressure, but I'd be much better off if I took care of things ON TIME and meticulously. In fact, I'm almost sure if that were the case, I'd have a better job, be a lot slimmer/healthier, have more money and my own place. That being said, I'm going to start working on my follow through. I think I might get it tattooed somewhere just as a reminder because I sincerely believe this is what's holding me back. I also need to find some way to stay accountable..perhaps the gf (love you babe!) can help in that department. I don't handle nagging well at all and I'm sure because she knows us so well, she'll find an appropriate way to get to me.
All that being said, I'm going to try to compose a daily list of things to do and then see how much I accomplish. I need to get my life back on track and I feel like this is a good place to start.
Today's list:
- do laundry
- pick up my bag from the gf's house
- confirm the rest of my work calendar
- finish miscellaneous work projects
- write a rec for one of my students
- follow up on recent school visits
- figure out weekend plans
- hit up career services for new jobs
- *hit up the eye doctor
- *perhaps start therapy?
The * indicates that these are contingent upon my bank account. So if I'm broke, it's probably not gonna happen.
At the staff retreat, we were all made to list the strengths and weaknesses of each person on staff. This was a very uncomfortable situation, so we decided to have our lists emailed individually. This is what mine said:
STRENGTHS
Gets along with students
Creative
Passionate
Is not afraid to face a challenge or new endeavor
Keeps it real
Takes initiative
Persistent
Innovation
Easy-going
Sense of humorWEAKNESSES
Immature/too many absences
Can be too pessimistic
Unfocused
Creates alliances and easily forgets those who have helped her. Is quite moody and antisocial.
Reserved
Not always focused
Too modest
Stubborn
professionalism
Lack of initiativeBoth are interesting lists, considering I don't work directly for/with half the staff.
So basically, what they're listing are qualities they get from short/few interactions. This is disturbing and makes me feel pretty self-conscious as to how I appear. Granted, they have a skewed vision, but it still bothers me. I also can tell who wrote what. Notice the verbose responses on both lists. These came from a co-worker who I was on friendly terms with before finding out that I didn't really like the way they are. What's comical is that they describe me as moody and antisocial, which is quite far from the truth (and is actually a reflection of how
they appear to others). Sure, everyone has their days, and we all have a right to bitch when we're not feeling 100%, but I've always acknowledged everyone on staff.. perhaps not enough for this person's liking (probably b/c I don't really acknowledge
them so much). Aside from that, the other thing that bugged me was being called immature and having my professionalism questioned. I'm not sure if this is something I should reflect on myself, or if it's just because that specific staff member doesn't interact with me enough to see that though my sense of humor may come off as immature, I'm actually a pretty serious person. The professionalism thing also hurt and I wonder if it's due to my unfiltered bursts against what I don't agree with. There are things on the lists that are contradicting, which just shows my limited interaction with part ofthe staff, and other things which are consistent (my lack of focus is probably due to my lack of follow through and being an aries, go figure). The absence thing is definitely due to my physical health which was been crap since I finished college.
In any case, the point is that this list is what made me think of what's really at the core of my issues and has definitely made me aware that I need to present myself certain ways to people, especially if it's relevant to my employment. I know I'm brilliant, the world just has to see it.
So..
here's to following through on follow through!
