Prop 8 - The Musical

Possibly the best way to spread the word about the ridiculousness that is Proposition 8. AND for you Jack Black fans, he plays quite a special character. Enjoy this musical food for thought!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me..

I am officially in love. What does that mean though? Is it wanting to spend every waking moment with that special someone? Is it how thoughts of them make you smile, even when you're having a bad day? Or is it an overwhelming urge to have their babies?

Now, I don't really like kids. The thought of giving birth to and raising one didn't really appeal to me. I concluded that I would just not have kids because I didn't truly see myself as a parent. I believe being a parent takes an insurmountable amount of selflessness, which I didn't believe I could feel. At this point, however, I've learned that this pure selflessness does exist in me. I want to do whatever it takes to make my woman happy. I *need* to. It's such a consuming urge to love, protect and honor her that I sometimes wonder if I've ever truly been in love before this. Now I find myself really (read: REALLY) wanting to have her children and starting a family with her. I really believe our kids would be the coolest people ever since they would be surrounded with the kind of love we have for each other: unconditional, non-judgemental, understanding, and strong.

Since I'm a bit old-school and traditional, I don't want to have kids out of wedlock. I know how it feels to see a parent come in and out of my life because they had no real obligation to stay. I want to make a commitment, not just to my (beautiful) wife, but to our children as well. I've learned through experience that marriage is extremely important to me. I do believe that it is an acknowledgement of the commitment two people have to each other and I respect that commitment. It's also acknowledging that unerring love they have for each other and a confirmation that they do want to start a family with you. Marriage pretty much eliminates all doubts for me because I know when I'm ready to marry her (and she's ready for me), it's going to be for real. Until then, I'm forever looking forward to our future together and working on building a good foundation for us.

Awkward turtles and their babies..

There's something about talking to a "pseudo" ex that is kind of awkward for me.

We all know what "pseudo" exes are. They're basically people with whom you connect, flirt, talk for hours on the phone, (maybe even have sex) and picture a relationship, but it never really materializes. They're the people who you expose yourself to at most risk because you really don't know where it will go, even if they assure you that you're "on track to getting there."

Sidenote: To me, getting on track towards a relationship is a huge deal. It means that I'm comfortable with making myself vulnerable to you ON TOP of wanting to be monogamous, which isn't really reflected on my track record (ie., my mom called me a womanizer).

I find the whole courting ritual a load of bullshit. You know right off the bat if you're able to be in a relationship with someone or not. If you have doubts (and they clearly outweigh your chemistry), then clearly it's not gonna happen. I just hate when people try to string it along when it's going nowhere..kinda makes me wonder why they do it.
Anyway, at some point you (or they) realize it wouldn't work out. So you're left with some resentment and a lot of questions that would make you seem clingy and pathetic if you asked. Then you move on and kind of cut them out of your life, because heck, you haven't really gotten over them.
So you don't want to see them, and then the next time you do (if it's recent enough to the pseudo-breakup) and they still make you melt, you must start the healing process all over again b/c they've probably moved on by then (I always assume I like someone more than they like me, since this has usually been the case with people I legitimately like). You cut them off again and after a while, you start to see their flaws and the reasons why you would never work out. And hopefully, you come across someone who's even better. Only then, can you be pseudo-friends. But, it's still a little awkward/entertaining to interact after not having done so for a really long time. I'm so interested in the human condition. All these feelings matter to the person experiencing them, and we go through so much bullshit and so much pain for NO reason, other than the natural drama that is being human.

In the end, I'm elated things didn't work out. Everything happens for a reason..and I've found mine :)

UGH

I cannot believe they took Dr. Hahn off of Grey's!!! WTF?!?!
ugh. SADNESS.

The first kiss ever between these two.. and I'm soo upset that she's now off the show:



SO HOT. omg. sigh.

Hazaa! and chickens.

How approps that my good friend Lynzhi would send me an email about chickens soon after my agrarian rant!
I had to share this, simply because it's a brilliant way to sum up each person's point of view and/or their representation in the public eye. Cheers to whoever did this!



Subject: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road???

BARACK OBAMA The chicken crossed the road because
it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!


JOHN MCCAIN My friends, that chicken crossed the
road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road

SARAH PALIN You betcha he crossed the road, but
let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy,
and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom
to manage the budget of the only state in America with a
massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless
Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on them

HILLARY CLINTON When I was First Lady, I personally
helped that little chicken to cross the road. This
experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right
from day one! - that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn't about me

GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on
our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either "for us
or agin' us." There is no middle ground here


DICK CHENEY Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can
clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the
road

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with that
chicken...What is your definition of crossing?


AL GORE I invented the chicken

JOHN KERRY Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road
to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I
am not for it now, and will remain against it

AL SHARPTON Why are all the chickens white? We need
some black chickens

OPRAH Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN We have reason to
believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road

NANCY GRACE That chicken crossed the road because
he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks

PAT BUCHANAN To steal the job of a decent,
hardworking American

DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed I've not been told

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain... alone

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Can't
you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the
'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be
crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that *

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the
road, and that was good enough

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the
road, or did the road move beneath the chicken

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

I hate money

So this is the lamest thing ever. I have so much debt, I'm absolutely broke, and to top it all off, my business AmEx has been declined because the good people at my job have spent $8000 over the limit.
What's the added bonus? I'm in the middle of nowhere, massachusetts.



This means that I had to go into my pityful excuse for a checking account and *overdraw* so I could pay for gas...AND I'm staying here until tomorrow, which means I overdrew even more cash just to be safe. I think one of my worst fears is getting stranded. I can see myself actually crying...but I digress. My point is, I hate money and our sad reliance on it to function in society.

Do you know what a good life is? Does it involve having exorbitant amounts of money? Or is it feeling true and pure joy/happiness/love?


People (myself included) like to believe that money is the solution to all problems. If I had loads of money, I could pay off all my debt, quit my job and retire early, buy my girl pretty things, travel around the world and be successful in my parents eyes. This would lead to a stress-free life which would help my health and translate into living longer and enjoying life thoroughly while I'm still here. When you really think about it though, I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for money. If I didn't have to *pay* for school or *pay* for my car insurance or have to *pay* to purchase anything for that matter, money wouldn't even be an issue. It would become obsolete. Do you know how many trees we would save by not having money? Whatever happened to trading goods for services?

I guess an agrarian lifestyle at this point in history would be going backwards... or would it?

Food for thought. And yes, the pun was intended.

Even Homer gets down..

Just another way in which the people have spoken....



I think it's so awesome that even creators of a show like the Simpsons (which is on it's 20th season) are inspired and moved enough to make quite a statement as to this year's monumental election. Why? Because their viewers are enlightened people. Our generation, the generation that's kept this show running, is the same one that elected Barack.

I may not be a super-politico, but this is something that I just HAD to post.

Ps. This one's for you babe.

Follow through

After coming back from a long and obscene staff retreat, I realized that I was feeling like a fraud. The word itself is pretty heavy, but it's an adequate description of how I've been feeling. People I know hold me to high expectations. In fact, ever since I was identified as a "gifted child," I've had had my world carved out; a map with my path already highlighted on it handed to me.
This isn't especially a bad thing; I do enjoy structure. What's bad about this situation is that I'd rather be doing something else or at least following a different path. Yes, I want to be successful; yes, I want to have money and live comfortably. I did undergo a rigorous academic training program successfully. I did enroll at an independent school at hardly any cost to my family, and I did graduate (albeit a tad late) from an ivy league university. That doesn't mean I feel competent at any task I take on.
Aaaaand this is where I say: PAUSE because when I question my own intelligence and competence, that's when I know I need to check myself. So upon closer reflection, I've discovered that the core of my problems and doubts is my overwhelming lack of FOLLOW THROUGH.

[SIDEBAR: I'd be content being a beach bum/nomad, selling things just to get by, having no worries (and no money) and living a life of adventure. But because I'm a pussy and am too attached to my material possessions/a relatively stable lifestyle, I need to get my shit together to have the life I crave. Backpacking through Europe? YES! but happily knowing that I can finance it and at the end of the trip, have a stable place to come home to]

I don't normally follow through on things I should (with the few exceptions being what I'm truly and honestly passionate about). This either stems from chronic procrastination or from general laziness. Now, I'd like to believe that I'm not lazy - though I do admit to being able to waste preposterous amounts of time doing NOTHING (read: playing video games/lying in bed for hours) - and that it's just a lack of passion to light a fire under me. I know I work well under pressure, but I'd be much better off if I took care of things ON TIME and meticulously. In fact, I'm almost sure if that were the case, I'd have a better job, be a lot slimmer/healthier, have more money and my own place. That being said, I'm going to start working on my follow through. I think I might get it tattooed somewhere just as a reminder because I sincerely believe this is what's holding me back. I also need to find some way to stay accountable..perhaps the gf (love you babe!) can help in that department. I don't handle nagging well at all and I'm sure because she knows us so well, she'll find an appropriate way to get to me.

All that being said, I'm going to try to compose a daily list of things to do and then see how much I accomplish. I need to get my life back on track and I feel like this is a good place to start.

Today's list:
- do laundry
- pick up my bag from the gf's house
- confirm the rest of my work calendar
- finish miscellaneous work projects
- write a rec for one of my students
- follow up on recent school visits
- figure out weekend plans
- hit up career services for new jobs
- *hit up the eye doctor
- *perhaps start therapy?

The * indicates that these are contingent upon my bank account. So if I'm broke, it's probably not gonna happen.

At the staff retreat, we were all made to list the strengths and weaknesses of each person on staff. This was a very uncomfortable situation, so we decided to have our lists emailed individually. This is what mine said:

STRENGTHS
Gets along with students
Creative
Passionate
Is not afraid to face a challenge or new endeavor
Keeps it real
Takes initiative
Persistent
Innovation
Easy-going
Sense of humor

WEAKNESSES
Immature/too many absences
Can be too pessimistic
Unfocused
Creates alliances and easily forgets those who have helped her. Is quite moody and antisocial.
Reserved
Not always focused
Too modest
Stubborn
professionalism
Lack of initiative

Both are interesting lists, considering I don't work directly for/with half the staff.
So basically, what they're listing are qualities they get from short/few interactions. This is disturbing and makes me feel pretty self-conscious as to how I appear. Granted, they have a skewed vision, but it still bothers me. I also can tell who wrote what. Notice the verbose responses on both lists. These came from a co-worker who I was on friendly terms with before finding out that I didn't really like the way they are. What's comical is that they describe me as moody and antisocial, which is quite far from the truth (and is actually a reflection of how they appear to others). Sure, everyone has their days, and we all have a right to bitch when we're not feeling 100%, but I've always acknowledged everyone on staff.. perhaps not enough for this person's liking (probably b/c I don't really acknowledge them so much). Aside from that, the other thing that bugged me was being called immature and having my professionalism questioned. I'm not sure if this is something I should reflect on myself, or if it's just because that specific staff member doesn't interact with me enough to see that though my sense of humor may come off as immature, I'm actually a pretty serious person. The professionalism thing also hurt and I wonder if it's due to my unfiltered bursts against what I don't agree with. There are things on the lists that are contradicting, which just shows my limited interaction with part ofthe staff, and other things which are consistent (my lack of focus is probably due to my lack of follow through and being an aries, go figure). The absence thing is definitely due to my physical health which was been crap since I finished college.

In any case, the point is that this list is what made me think of what's really at the core of my issues and has definitely made me aware that I need to present myself certain ways to people, especially if it's relevant to my employment. I know I'm brilliant, the world just has to see it.

So..
here's to following through on follow through!

close to the edge

The problem with my parents is their sad attempt at "caring."
Instead of calling me directly, they decide to send my sister to "talk some sense into me." As if she's qualified to tell *anyone* to get their life together. How dare anyone try to tell me to get my life together. I have a fucking Ivy League degree, I'm employed in a shit market, and I'm a fucking strong woman who's overcome a shitload of obstacles. All they know how to do is make me regret being born.


I really don't want to hate them, but I'm getting close.

wtf

I don't think I can stand my parents.
If I met them on the street, I would run in the opposite direction. I'm sure they're good people, but damn..way to treat your own kids.

*sigh*

Intense (part 1)

What is intense?

According to Dictionary.com, intense is defined as:

1.	existing or occurring in a high or extreme degree: intense heat.

2.	acute, strong, or vehement, as sensations, feelings, or emotions: intense anger.

3.	of an extreme kind; very great, as in strength, keenness, severity, or the like: an intense gale.

4.	having a characteristic quality in a high degree: The intense sunlight was blinding.

5.	strenuous or earnest, as activity, exertion, diligence, or thought: an intense life.

6.	exhibiting a high degree of some quality or action.

7.	having or showing great strength, strong feeling, or tension, as a person, the face, or language.

8.	susceptible to strong emotion; emotional: an intense person.

9.	(of color) very deep: intense red.

Synonyms : fervent, passionate, ardent, strong.

I'm internally pleased that they'd use the color red to help define intense since it is, after all, the color of aries. I'm an aries. I'm intense...especially when it comes to love.

Visually, I'd define intense as this:


This scene is quite frankly the epitome of what intense can be. Here are two women who had lived together for years experiencing pure love and madness before they decided to call it quits. Now, after being apart for so long, they share this powerfully intense moment, as they reconnect in the way they both unquestionably longed for but couldn't for whatever reason. You can see in the kiss just how much they needed that moment. Kudos to the actresses, for I truly felt the consuming passion between them. The longing; so painful that when released from it, Bette had no choice but to break down and cry. Like dying ashes suddenly bursting in flames again.

Imagine feeling that way for someone. When every cell that composes your body, heck every atom that composes your cells, screams for that one person. That's intense..


I'd write more, but I'm le tired. So enough of this lovey-dovey crap..I'm out for the night.
Peace!

Disclaimer

I decided, after a years long hiatus, to start blogging again. I found that writing is actually pretty empowering and quite therapeutic. That being said, this is basically meant for the purposes of venting; not for deep analytical shit, not for spell-checked, perfectly written novels, and not for people who can't handle life. This shit is unrated, unscripted, angst-ridden, just me. So if you come across this and like it, great, free entertainment for you. If not, you can bounce.