I had to publish this...

..because it was the most amazing event in my [sex] life.

I know a lot of people are very timid when it comes down to sexual conversations. Either they feel embarrassed talking about it, they haven't experienced enough to have a real conversation about it, or they're just private about it. I'm definitely not bashful when it comes to talking about sex - either general conversation or details about my own personal experiences are fair game in my book. Warning: this post may get a little steamy for sensitive readers, so continue reading at your own risk.

Too many women continue to live their lives without experiencing one of the most basic [and necessary] of human joys: the orgasm. Either they just don't know what it takes to get them there [for lack of information or a partner] or their partners just don't know what they're doing.

The largest demographic of unsatisfied women [at least in my own experience] have been heterosexual women, which doesn't surprise me. Men just don't know what they're doing sometimes and even if they do, they may just lack patience and focus on their own pleasure [my own opinion: men are always out to bust through jabbing something with their penis, and being that they believe their penis is enough of a "pleasure tool", they're not really concerned about going above and beyond in other ways]. Since it's more likely for the man to bust during sex than the woman, it's just easier to bone til he busts and call it day; take whatever pleasure you can get while he's still hard.

A large part of missing out on orgasms goes back to lack of information. What better way to figure out what feels good than by doing it with someone with whom you are most comfortable? Don't hate, masturbate! I am a HUGE proponent of masturbation. Not only is it good for educational purposes [both for yourself and to teach others] but it's necessary to develop the nerves that help you O!
It's like when you're starting to learn how to write. Your handwriting is sloppy and your grip on the pencil is shaky, but with time and practice, your fingers and hand gain more dexterity and your brain builds nerves/synapses to retain that skill. In essence, if you don't use it, you lose it!

It's really too bad that more girls/women aren't encouraged to masturbate. Perhaps it stems from the whole power dynamic between men and women: women aren't allowed to derive pleasure for themselves, but simply provide pleasure [and children] to men.

Now, I'm not trying to hate on guys - I'm not anti-men - but, logically speaking, doesn't it make sense that another woman would know what to do with a vagina than a man? Assuming she's experienced [or, like some of us, naturally gifted ;-) ] she'll know where your clit is, where your G-spot is, the difference between the two, and what to do with them to make you climax [because she has one too! unbelieveable isn't it].

An orgasm is a wonderful thing. Whether through clitoral stimulation or massaging the g-spot, an orgasm is generally described the same way: an explosion and then waves of pleasure.
By this point, you're probably wondering where I'm going with this and how this is relevant. I needed to provide some background information before getting down and dirty with the details [you like that alliteration, don't front].

Basically: I HAVE THE BEST SEX LIFE EVER.

What does this mean and/or entail? It means sex at least 5 times a week and o-ing every time. It also means [at least for me] that every time, it's better than the last! Don't ask me how that's possible..my lovergirl is just amazing that way [and NO you CAN'T have her so stop wishing].
So one hot and heavy evening of the most incredible sex I've ever had, I orgasmed so hard and long [that's what she said] that I cried. I legit started to cry because I was so overwhelmed by the waves of that funnygoodfeeling that I couldn't contain my emotion.

As I am a visual person, let me attempt at showing you what I mean.
For me, a typical orgasm feels like an explosion, waves of pleasure wash over you, and then it dies down and looks like this [at least how I would describe it via keyboard]:

||||||||||||||||||||--_.

Notice how it diminishes towards the end. That's typically when most people lie back and cuddle.
What I experienced was more like this:

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||--_.

Notice how much longer that is and how it doesn't really "die down" til the very, very end. I just kept experiencing the waves, each as intense as the one before. Is it a wonder that I cried?? And no I'm not a crier, and yes I have a rep to protect, but I'll admit it. I cried. I'm not ashamed. BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT THE HELL ELSE DO YOU EXPECT?!
And I just had to tell someone. What better way to reach people than by blogging?

In any case, if you haven't had an orgasm, you're missing out. Go do some research and get there yourself. Or if you already know what you're doing, find someone who does too or who is willing to learn and takes direction well...you'd be amazed at how much an eager student can absorb!

[jealous? yea..i'd be too]

aaaand I'm spent.
Love, peace, and hot [safe] sex to all!

Prop 8 - The Musical

Possibly the best way to spread the word about the ridiculousness that is Proposition 8. AND for you Jack Black fans, he plays quite a special character. Enjoy this musical food for thought!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me..

I am officially in love. What does that mean though? Is it wanting to spend every waking moment with that special someone? Is it how thoughts of them make you smile, even when you're having a bad day? Or is it an overwhelming urge to have their babies?

Now, I don't really like kids. The thought of giving birth to and raising one didn't really appeal to me. I concluded that I would just not have kids because I didn't truly see myself as a parent. I believe being a parent takes an insurmountable amount of selflessness, which I didn't believe I could feel. At this point, however, I've learned that this pure selflessness does exist in me. I want to do whatever it takes to make my woman happy. I *need* to. It's such a consuming urge to love, protect and honor her that I sometimes wonder if I've ever truly been in love before this. Now I find myself really (read: REALLY) wanting to have her children and starting a family with her. I really believe our kids would be the coolest people ever since they would be surrounded with the kind of love we have for each other: unconditional, non-judgemental, understanding, and strong.

Since I'm a bit old-school and traditional, I don't want to have kids out of wedlock. I know how it feels to see a parent come in and out of my life because they had no real obligation to stay. I want to make a commitment, not just to my (beautiful) wife, but to our children as well. I've learned through experience that marriage is extremely important to me. I do believe that it is an acknowledgement of the commitment two people have to each other and I respect that commitment. It's also acknowledging that unerring love they have for each other and a confirmation that they do want to start a family with you. Marriage pretty much eliminates all doubts for me because I know when I'm ready to marry her (and she's ready for me), it's going to be for real. Until then, I'm forever looking forward to our future together and working on building a good foundation for us.

Awkward turtles and their babies..

There's something about talking to a "pseudo" ex that is kind of awkward for me.

We all know what "pseudo" exes are. They're basically people with whom you connect, flirt, talk for hours on the phone, (maybe even have sex) and picture a relationship, but it never really materializes. They're the people who you expose yourself to at most risk because you really don't know where it will go, even if they assure you that you're "on track to getting there."

Sidenote: To me, getting on track towards a relationship is a huge deal. It means that I'm comfortable with making myself vulnerable to you ON TOP of wanting to be monogamous, which isn't really reflected on my track record (ie., my mom called me a womanizer).

I find the whole courting ritual a load of bullshit. You know right off the bat if you're able to be in a relationship with someone or not. If you have doubts (and they clearly outweigh your chemistry), then clearly it's not gonna happen. I just hate when people try to string it along when it's going nowhere..kinda makes me wonder why they do it.
Anyway, at some point you (or they) realize it wouldn't work out. So you're left with some resentment and a lot of questions that would make you seem clingy and pathetic if you asked. Then you move on and kind of cut them out of your life, because heck, you haven't really gotten over them.
So you don't want to see them, and then the next time you do (if it's recent enough to the pseudo-breakup) and they still make you melt, you must start the healing process all over again b/c they've probably moved on by then (I always assume I like someone more than they like me, since this has usually been the case with people I legitimately like). You cut them off again and after a while, you start to see their flaws and the reasons why you would never work out. And hopefully, you come across someone who's even better. Only then, can you be pseudo-friends. But, it's still a little awkward/entertaining to interact after not having done so for a really long time. I'm so interested in the human condition. All these feelings matter to the person experiencing them, and we go through so much bullshit and so much pain for NO reason, other than the natural drama that is being human.

In the end, I'm elated things didn't work out. Everything happens for a reason..and I've found mine :)

UGH

I cannot believe they took Dr. Hahn off of Grey's!!! WTF?!?!
ugh. SADNESS.

The first kiss ever between these two.. and I'm soo upset that she's now off the show:



SO HOT. omg. sigh.

Hazaa! and chickens.

How approps that my good friend Lynzhi would send me an email about chickens soon after my agrarian rant!
I had to share this, simply because it's a brilliant way to sum up each person's point of view and/or their representation in the public eye. Cheers to whoever did this!



Subject: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road???

BARACK OBAMA The chicken crossed the road because
it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!


JOHN MCCAIN My friends, that chicken crossed the
road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road

SARAH PALIN You betcha he crossed the road, but
let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy,
and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom
to manage the budget of the only state in America with a
massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless
Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on them

HILLARY CLINTON When I was First Lady, I personally
helped that little chicken to cross the road. This
experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right
from day one! - that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn't about me

GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on
our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either "for us
or agin' us." There is no middle ground here


DICK CHENEY Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can
clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the
road

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with that
chicken...What is your definition of crossing?


AL GORE I invented the chicken

JOHN KERRY Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road
to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I
am not for it now, and will remain against it

AL SHARPTON Why are all the chickens white? We need
some black chickens

OPRAH Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN We have reason to
believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road

NANCY GRACE That chicken crossed the road because
he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks

PAT BUCHANAN To steal the job of a decent,
hardworking American

DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed I've not been told

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain... alone

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Can't
you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the
'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be
crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that *

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the
road, and that was good enough

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the
road, or did the road move beneath the chicken

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

I hate money

So this is the lamest thing ever. I have so much debt, I'm absolutely broke, and to top it all off, my business AmEx has been declined because the good people at my job have spent $8000 over the limit.
What's the added bonus? I'm in the middle of nowhere, massachusetts.



This means that I had to go into my pityful excuse for a checking account and *overdraw* so I could pay for gas...AND I'm staying here until tomorrow, which means I overdrew even more cash just to be safe. I think one of my worst fears is getting stranded. I can see myself actually crying...but I digress. My point is, I hate money and our sad reliance on it to function in society.

Do you know what a good life is? Does it involve having exorbitant amounts of money? Or is it feeling true and pure joy/happiness/love?


People (myself included) like to believe that money is the solution to all problems. If I had loads of money, I could pay off all my debt, quit my job and retire early, buy my girl pretty things, travel around the world and be successful in my parents eyes. This would lead to a stress-free life which would help my health and translate into living longer and enjoying life thoroughly while I'm still here. When you really think about it though, I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for money. If I didn't have to *pay* for school or *pay* for my car insurance or have to *pay* to purchase anything for that matter, money wouldn't even be an issue. It would become obsolete. Do you know how many trees we would save by not having money? Whatever happened to trading goods for services?

I guess an agrarian lifestyle at this point in history would be going backwards... or would it?

Food for thought. And yes, the pun was intended.