life is happening whether i want it to or not..time passes without a single look back. things change. i've spent so much of my life thinking this is a bad thing when really it's the beauty of life.

with great power comes even greater responsibility right? so thus i'm scared shitless of what it truly means to have my life in my own hands.

scared, but excited. scared, but curious. scared, but determined to do it regardless.
when my time here is over, i only hope i can say "i did it my way"

Y otra vez

I really wish I could commit to doing something consistently which is actually good for me. For whatever reason, I seem to sabotage any such effort and instead commit to consistently doing bad things, making bad decisions. I could be completely aware of the wiser (and necessarily) tougher decision yet I will make the poorer choice.

I'm not sure I know what love means/feels for me anymore. My associations in the past have proved my definition wrong.
I would hate to think that I have become an icy heartless shell of a creature with no more connection to this life or this world beyond my corporate labor. It sucks to feel like I am just going through the motions of a shadow of a life.

So much potential but where is the kinetic? What will move me to action? Why must I let myself fall to the very bottom before I decide to make a positive change?

Is control an illusion? Do I really have more power to control this experience called life?

I should really write in this blog more. Maybe if/when I actually quit my job. Oh greener pastures, I refuse to believe that seeking you over my current station makes me a quitter. I wanna be a big fish in a smaller pond, these waters are to frigid for me.

Waking life

I saw (most of) this movie called "waking life" last night and it left a hell of an impression on me. Not only did it force me to take a hard look at myself and what my interactions with other people mean, it also gave me a scary/empowering perspective. The premise involving lucid dreaming and existential questions took my brain on a field trip. I found myself echoing (almost verbatim) some of the theories/questions posed in the movie. It totally blew my mind.

Life is so much more beautiful when you open yourself to the beauty. Changing perspectives is much easier said than done, but I am willing to try.


Why?

Because Life is what you make it; it is truly all about the choices this random compilation of floating atoms makes. The possibilities are indeed endless and they're staring at all of us right in the face as we distract ourselves with the mundane.

Nothing is free

I did not think that I would have to keep tabs on what people do, but shit, people seem to keep tabs on me regularly. Apparently a favor is never free. Either everything is thrown in your face at some point or another, people forget what you do for THEM or they conveniently forget about something previously agreed to.

I can't handle/stand/accept inconsistency.
Unfortunately from this point forth I'll have to keep annoyingly meticulous records of anything and everything anyone I know does for me or on my behalf and vice versa.

I am unbelievably generous with the people I care about in spite of my quirks, pet peeves and germ issues, but when that gets disrespected or people want to act like I never did anything for them, that's it! You are cut the fuck off.

I'm keeping tabs now, bitches. Oh and favors are no longer policy. If one is needed, best believe the shit costs.

"Oh you need something from me? Remember that time when I needed something from you and you gave me bullshit? Right back at ya."

Times 3

Why does every mole hill seem like a mountain?
Why do I feel like giving up and still don't?
Why am I strong some days but not others?

There really should be a manual on life. They call the bible the book of life but all it does is glamorize accounts of raping and pillaging in "god's" name and tell you what not to do so you don't go to some imaginary hell. How about a book telling you how to avoid an asshole landlord? How to protect your credit score and identity? How to live life successfully NOW and not for some distant possibility of everlasting salvation?

I am having tuna salad for lunch today because lately I've been indulging in all sorts of bad/delicious food. Gain weight -> eat less calories -> lose weight.

Why can't life be that simple?

Silly things

Can't possibly write everything that i have in my mind but to reiterate, this blog is nothing but self-serving. My thoughts are cluttering my mind and i need purging, thus my rising from the proverbial ashes of the blog world.
By no means is this meant to inform anyone of anything unless they care about my mental meandering. That being said, i think im gonna use this as an objective study of my life.
Ive started and stopped so many blogs, it's already telling. Ive been lucky to find these remnants/jewels of my past and i intend on studying them to see if i can determine the grand secret/key/purpose of my existence. Failure to find such justification will result in the obvious.
Does one need a justification to exist? Well the way my mind works, as i've recently discovered, is if it doesn't follow some sort of logic/reason, i can't successfully compute it and then i proceed to discard it. Arrogant perhaps, but i guess i am humbled in my very search for answers.

i'm back and.. i just had to laugh at the ridiculousness of my past posts! oh life, you've been quite interesting. in an effort to start writing again.. here's a new post, yay:

Unscramble my words
   Untangle my actions
      So much inside
          aching to get out


If they only knew
thoughts whir
Everything’s blurred
I wish I had a better grasp of these words
   They escape me

 So hard to penetrate this dusty soul
    It gave up on love years ago
         Now we just go through the motions
 Mimicking
 what’s supposed to be

 But don’t feel a thing

inspired

i haven't written here in a while, mainly b/c a lot of shit has gone down in my life (which i think deserves a few independent posts) but i wanted to post my poem.
so i was inspired by my girl and wrote this out as it came to me. i decided to capture it on tape for her so she could really get a sense of delivery. there are a few edits from that one tho, just for polishing. here it is:

girl

see, i'm a woman of few words
i sit quietly and observe
but you
you made me swerve
drunken off your body
got my slurring:

damn girl, you fine

leaving my tongue twisted and tied
like a tie-dyed shirt
you in a skirt?
WHOA
colors swirling
brain twirling
everything's blurring
cuz

DAMN girl, you fine

see, i'm hard-pressed to
fine someone who's
impressed me
with those curves
from your lips to your hips
and those thighs and those eyes
yea they're corny lines
but

damn girl! you fine!

what a wonderful entry, awakening
my heart's sentry
at my side
open my eyes wide in the morning and
there
you
are
delicious
as the bee's prize:
the sweet honey, secret in their mines
their life lines
cut
to protect it

like I
protect you

not cuz you're a dime
not cuz you're divine (in my eyes)

nah

it's cuz you're mine

(and damn girl... you FINE!)


©2009 R.S. Medina

realized..

that there's no one i'd rather be with than her. i could wake up to her next to me forever. i don't care what the implications are behind that statement - it's what i feel and it's the truth.

work vs. play

Where does being grateful to be employed end and hating your job begins?

At this point, I find myself floating in between. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to be employed in this horrific market [thanks Bush.] and to have a steady income. On the other hand, I'm starting to really dislike my job. Not only are the people ridiculous (I've never met an office diva til I started here), but the actual job is not exciting or motivating at all. I realize this is only a stepping stone in my career, but this REALLY sucks balls. I've never heard of someone being reprimanded for NOT chitchatting with their boss. Productive use of time much? Also, I strongly dislike the fact that my work hours extend beyond the 9-5:30 frame. I don't want to work while I'm at home. I don't want to have to work at my social life's expense either (and by this I mean after-hours shit). If this were banking or an executive firm, I would understand the value behind putting in 70 hrs of work. This is DEF not the case and I don't get paid overtime. I make very little as it is for the amount of work expected of me. Ugh..I hate that I don't like my job, but it is what it is. In any case, I'm still on the job hunt.


+vibes

all you need is love...love is all you need

Sometimes I can't handle all these overwhelming emotions of love. Yea it sounds so gross and sugary enough to put you in a coma, but I don't care. I am completely and utterly in love with my girlfriend. Every thought of her brings me happiness. She makes my heart flutter and she's the only person who's consistently made me smile first thing in the morning [i'm such a grouch!]. Every time I think about her, she calls. She goes above and beyond my expectations without being a pushover or compromising her own person. She has her own style and her own opinion; just because I like something doesn't mean she will. It's so refreshing to have conversations with her because not only does she stimulate me mentally, but watching her talk and the way her mouth moves when she pronounces words is just fascinating. I've never been more attracted to anyone. She challenges me without putting me down or making me feel inadequate, while inspiring me to be better. She's beautiful inside and out and carries herself with confidence, but is aware of her own shortcomings (which I think adds to how great she is). She's caring and generous and takes her friendships seriously. She's rational and fair; I've never had as great communication as I do with her. Our problem resolution is phenomenal. We work great as a team and have fun. I don't think I've ever spent this much time with someone without EVER getting tired of them.. I mean, not only is she an amazing lover, she's a great friend. We can spend the entire day together, just chillin out, and it's great. This is all in addition to the fact that she's freaking hot. My woman is the sexiest most appealling person I've ever been with.. I love every inch of her body [she's thick in ALL THE RIGHT PLACES]. She has a fantastic ass [and she must be tired of hearing it b/c I tell her this practically every day], a super sexy figure, legs I could stroke for days, a phenomenal rack, lovely hands and feet, a dimple in her chin [sigh], FRECKLESSSSS in just the right spots, a tummy perfect for raspberries and kisses, arms perfect for wrapping me up in [flutter], a soft always-amazing-smelling neck, hair I love to smell and pull on, ears perfect for nibbling, sexy brown eyes I could get lost in, a perfectly irresistably-kissable nose, those cheeks [i've probably kissed them about a million times], and the most unforgettable, dazzling, sincere, and best smile you could ask for. And you already know about my sex life [see earlier posts]. So in essence, this woman has had the most profound impact on my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. Whew, I'm spent..and yet there are still so many words, so many ways, to describe the way I feel about her, and even more to describe how great she is. She's such a blessing, and I'm so grateful.

I love you babe.


+vibes

BDAY

So yesterday was my birthday. I can't believe how old I am..it seriously doesn't feel like I'm any older than 19. I do feel and see how I've matured over the years, but I still can't really associate my age with 24. It's a lot to think about right now.

I'm sitting at work and realized not only have I not blogged in a minute, but I haven't blogged since my angry blow up. Thankfully, my anger was assuaged by my wonderful woman, who somehow has the power to make me smile even in the worst of times. I fall for her each and every day.

Saturday was nice in that: I got the see Lynz (whom I hadn't seen in FOREVER); Tiffany came through which I thought was extra awesome; my cousins came through and were such a positive and empowering presence; and of course seeing all of the people who I know/have met through Fausto (who hosted the party). Overall, however, I was really disappointed with my end of the turn out. A lot of people I extended an invite to didn't make it. Some had excuses, some didn't. Some let me know they wouldn't be able to make it beforehand, some didn't say anything at all. It actually doesn't surprise me, [but it's things like this that make me so picky when it comes to friendships]. What is disappointing is that I extend myself to people who really don't deserve it. So I'm done. I'm done with fake people, I'm done with people who are negative, and I'm done with people who are inconsistent. I'm also done feeling hurt. At the end of the day, those who mean the most to me will be those who've been there the most for me. And in turn, I'll be there for them. [yep, still sticking to high standards]

I've come to learn that it's not healthy to dwell or linger on negative things. And I've also come to learn and appreciate the value of second chances. That doesn't mean that I'm going to put up with bullshit tho..no one is worth that much that I would let them continuously hurt me or pull the same kind of crap. I have more respect for myself than that.

I understand you're only human, but so am I. The expectations I place on you I also place on myself; I'd never expect you to do something I personally wasn't willing to do.
So if you didn't make it to my party, it's cool...just don't expect an invite to any others unless we had a prior understanding.

That being said, I'm moving on.

The day of my birth itself was quite pleasant. I spent it with the most beautiful, inspiring, brilliant, strong and sexy woman I know: my one and only.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

+vibes [this is the clear sign-off winner, in case you missed it :-P]

ugh [explicit post warning]

i'm tired, i have a headache, and i've had one of the longest days ever. my work load was insane this week b/c this friday was a big day. thankfully i made it through with minor scrapes.

i dunno if it's hormonal (thanks aunt flow) or if it's my sabotaging subconscious self (alliteration, woo!) but i'm feeling very doubtful. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and vent..but im afraid of what might come out of my mouth in this mindset. i cant even write it down without it coming off as a big FUCK YOU, but sometimes i just need to just say it. FUCK YOU. fuck everything fuck this shit fuck the world. im sick and tired of this life and all it's stupid FUCKING bumps in the road. all this goddamned nonsense and bullshit we have to go through each and everyday. all this fucking primping and doubting and fasting and exercising to look good for someone else?! how does that work? i guess im in a really bad mood. i want to comment on everything. b/c sometimes i feel like NOTHING HAS A FUCKING POINT. what good am i doing sitting in my office doing shit i'm so bored by. where is the excitement and passion? OH YEA IM FUCKING BROKE. b/c i made stupid fucking mistakes by trusting and investing in some stupid ass CUNT who fucking owes me money and doesnt have the decency to fucking pay me. WTF. IM TIRED OF THIS LIFE. im tired of making excuses for shit. why the fuck should i care about helping such a cruel frucking world. why should i justify my bad luck with "things happen for a reason" "if it's meant to be it will" and all this other bullshit. do i really fucking believe that?? is that how i make myself feel better for my fucking failures? WHEN THE FUCK IS IT MY TURN to get a break. i want the easy life. i dont care who judges me. FUCK YOU for judging. mind your own fucking business. i want money i want fame i want excess. anyone who says they dont is a liar. everyone wants a little more than what they have. and if they claim otherwise, they're full of shit. why the fuck do i go on some bullshit online diary to "blog" or "vent" when really i could just tell people how i really feel about them instead of this roundabout bullshit. OH WAIT but they have feelings. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE? were my feelings considered when i was made fun of in school? were my feelings considered when i was left with a FUCKING eviction on my record thanks to some bitch? NO ONE CARES. what they care to do is judge and label and call you dramatic and sensitive and all this other stuff to make themselves feel righteous or better. well FUCK YOU TOO. you can keep it moving. all we are is a virus on this piece of shit floating in space. in a few i'll be dead and no one will care! i dont give a shit about anyone but myself. and if more people admitted this to themselves maybe it'd be a better world. maybe it'd be different simply b/c it's based on honesty. every single one of my decisions has been made to benefit one person: myself. that's the honest truth. and FUCK YOU if you judge me. who the hell are you to do such a thing? im so sick of all the fucking bullshit. is that all humanity has to offer? bullshit??
i dont fucking care. I DONT FUCKING CARE. YOUR burden is NOT mine to bare. and if you choose to bare my burden that's on YOU, since that's the kind of mindset other people have ANYWAY. FUCK it. i will too. PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING RETARDED AND FAKE. i'm tired of fucking censoring myself. this is MY fucking blog and i'll say whatever i want. "oh you're such a child. you're being a brat throwing a tantrum" yea well FUCK YOU. i will have a fucking tantrum if i so choose.
IUGHETAWELJGBWNkgaelr hjrkgnerg.

im done.

don't bother reading this, im just venting

e;htrjhlWHRTGP iluwejkbhalsjfkn adlfjkband;flkbjna
ganj lkrhbdknfm askhfbbhfjnk asbfioajRGHWWWWWWTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

ARGH.



ok, im done.

+vibes.

i was about to blog

but the moment passed. ah well, perhaps tomorrow.


+vibes

interesting thing

another email from lynz..good look!

Just thought you would like to know:


At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of
July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06
07/08/09. This will never happen again.

Now you know!

technically, if you don't follow military time standards, it will happen again..at 4:05:06 PM.

hehe...yea im a nerd.

+vibes

disappointed

yep, i'm disappointed. am i surprised? no.
even in friendship, there are still lessons to learn about people.


it's not the fact that you can't make it. it's how nonchalant you are when you know how much it meant to me for you to be there. i extended myself to you yet again, in hopes of establishing some semblance of closeness, but i see that's not going to be the case.

go ahead and call me dramatic, i really don't care.

here's another one.., vivid dream recollection

Wow, 3 blogs in one morning?! Good golly Ms. Molly!

I just needed to write b/c I remember the last dream I had last night pretty vividly and I wanted to know if anyone has any insights as to what it all means. Anyway, brace yourself, this one's long. Here we go..

So in this dream, I'm sleeping in my bed in my apartment (which adds to the creepy realness of it all) and I feel/hear someone walking into my apartment and into my bedroom. At this point I'm freaking out because I'm already paranoid about living in a new city BY MYSELF, but this was too much. I was feeling in the middle of being asleep and being awake; it's the weird place where you're conscious (or at least I thought I was) but you don't really have control of your body yet. So I'm aware of this (in my dream) and I'm lying there freaking out, but resolved to handle this situation. I'm lying there pretending to be asleep as this whatever-it-is is moving around my room and I'm preparing my body, making sure that I can feel and move all of my limbs and preparing myself to scream and scare the shit out of whatever's in my room..basically getting my body ready to spring into action and attack who/whatever's there. So in my fit of rage/craziness I lunge with my arms and make contact with a face. I felt a face on my hand, it was smooth and felt like a child's. Somehow, as I touched the face with my hand (and the feeling is still on my hand even after being awake for hours), I could see what this child looked like.. he was fair with dark hair and had a south american look to him. I'm sure I've never seen this child before. I see this short man leave my room (that part is kind of muddled..I don't remember if he comes in at this point in my dream or if I'm confusing it for his later appearance). So I spring up from bed, and this woman comes in..she seems to be a cop. I'm screaming at her asking her what just happened and why she's there. She comes by my bed and scoops up something buried in the sheets.. it's a baby. The baby boy was left at the foot of my bed. I suddenly am grateful to her because I realized that I might have stepped on and injured the baby if she hadn't come in. Though I can't remember her face now, I know based on residual dream feelings that I've never met her before in conscious life. So I follow her out of my room and find that it's connected to the apartment in the South Bronx where I grew up (ages 5-13) and from where my mom ran her seamstress business (these memories are making me super emotional..blah). So I walk out and somehow know to look out of the window to see a South American family living in what seemed to be a shack. The cop had returned the baby to them and I was shouting at them out of the window in Spanish while my mom's mother kept interrupting me as she stood behind me. I kept yelling at her to shut up but she kept interrupting me. I finally got the message out. Basically, the family was begging me to take the baby because there was no way they could take care of it in their poverty. I said I couldn't possibly because I was too young, but that I would be able to sponsor(?) him monthly and give them money towards his care. The baby was so cute and I felt bad for it, but I understood that I couldn't take that on. So I come back from the window and walk to my mom's sewing room where she's sitting, looking young and healthy and doing her work. I was sitting there and so was my little sister..and this huge dog (a bulldog?) was sitting next to my sister. And my mom was like [in spanish] "see I like those dogs..they drool a lot and they look scary but they're absolutely calm, like a big teddy bear." I also saw a few kittens/cats wandering around too. Her mother is there. We were discussing why we couldn't take the baby. The guy who left the baby (the one I thought I saw earlier) comes into the room and begs for us to take the baby. In the dream, I think "well, my mom had a hysterectomy and my dad always wanted a son, and it'd be cool to have a baby brother".. and somehow my mom hears the thought (or maybe I said it out loud?) and she's like, "no I'm too old to raise another child." So we turn them away again. I felt bad and in the end wanted to get the baby, but knew I couldn't possibly support it on my own and my parents weren't going to be supportive either. Somehow I felt like I let the baby down.

I don't remember how it transitioned to me waking up, but the first thing I did when I woke up was look at my bedroom door (which was still closed) to make sure that I was actually awake. I can't shake the image of the baby's face or the feeling of its face imprinted on my hand. And speaking spanish in my dream was also strange, since I used a lot of vocab I wasn't aware that I knew. It's weird. What does it all mean?


*vibes

looking for...

..a sign off tag. I'd really like to sign off in a unique way. I've signed off with "peace" or some variation of that with "love," but I wanted something a little more ME. A catch phrase that also indicates the end of a thought, a good bye, and a comforting positive vibe to any who read. I'll be brainstorming and taking suggestions. I'm gonna try out different ones in the next posts, and whichever fits I'll use.

lol..I just realized how utterly pointless this post was, but whatevs!

So this is the end of this here post. Time to try out one of my candidates.

peace&vibes

cakes of rainbows and feelings

Before I begin this post, I must say thanks to a friend of mine who's inspired me to blog more. My girl was the original inspiration, but seeing how life can get in the way, I really lost the motivation to blog. I only recently re-appreciated the therapeutic values of blogging through seeing my friend's posts. I truly appreciate the openness with which she approaches blogging [even about personal stuff] so thanks Lory!

------------------------------------------------------------

When does a song go from being a really great hit to a highly referenced joke? Does it happen when it's featured on South Park afterwhich any mention of it elicits a chuckle or two?
It's Sunday morning and I actually got up when I set my alarm. After semi-fitful sleep, I woke up and turned on my ihome (sometimes I like to listen to some tunes in the morning, though I really appreciate the value of silence and natural sounds). So I'm surfing the radio and I come across this song that most everybody knows. It's called "Lovin' You" by Minnie Riperton. Now, at first glance you may or may not recognize it. My own exposure to it actually happened via a South Park episode (if they sing the highest note of the song, the donkey explodes). Since then, I've heard it many times, mostly in a comedy setting. I never actually appreciated the song, however, until I actually listened to the lyrics. And being that I am mushier these days than I was before, I definitely felt a romantic connection with the song. The words definitely spoke to me. That being said, below are the lyrics. I dedicate this song (on top of the million other love songs) to my one and only. Love you babe!

Lovin' You by Minnie Riperton

Lovin' you is easy cause you're beautiful
Makin' love with you is all i wanna do
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true
And everything that i do is out of lovin' you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do

No one else can make me feel
The colors that you bring
Stay with me while we grow old

And we will live each day in springtime
Cause lovin' you has made my life so beautiful
And every day my life is filled with lovin' you

Lovin' you i see your soul come shinin' through
And every time that we... oooooh
I'm more in love with you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do

Lyrics courtesy of www.romantic-lyrics.com.

peace!