life is happening whether i want it to or not..time passes without a single look back. things change. i've spent so much of my life thinking this is a bad thing when really it's the beauty of life.

with great power comes even greater responsibility right? so thus i'm scared shitless of what it truly means to have my life in my own hands.

scared, but excited. scared, but curious. scared, but determined to do it regardless.
when my time here is over, i only hope i can say "i did it my way"

Y otra vez

I really wish I could commit to doing something consistently which is actually good for me. For whatever reason, I seem to sabotage any such effort and instead commit to consistently doing bad things, making bad decisions. I could be completely aware of the wiser (and necessarily) tougher decision yet I will make the poorer choice.

I'm not sure I know what love means/feels for me anymore. My associations in the past have proved my definition wrong.
I would hate to think that I have become an icy heartless shell of a creature with no more connection to this life or this world beyond my corporate labor. It sucks to feel like I am just going through the motions of a shadow of a life.

So much potential but where is the kinetic? What will move me to action? Why must I let myself fall to the very bottom before I decide to make a positive change?

Is control an illusion? Do I really have more power to control this experience called life?

I should really write in this blog more. Maybe if/when I actually quit my job. Oh greener pastures, I refuse to believe that seeking you over my current station makes me a quitter. I wanna be a big fish in a smaller pond, these waters are to frigid for me.

Waking life

I saw (most of) this movie called "waking life" last night and it left a hell of an impression on me. Not only did it force me to take a hard look at myself and what my interactions with other people mean, it also gave me a scary/empowering perspective. The premise involving lucid dreaming and existential questions took my brain on a field trip. I found myself echoing (almost verbatim) some of the theories/questions posed in the movie. It totally blew my mind.

Life is so much more beautiful when you open yourself to the beauty. Changing perspectives is much easier said than done, but I am willing to try.


Why?

Because Life is what you make it; it is truly all about the choices this random compilation of floating atoms makes. The possibilities are indeed endless and they're staring at all of us right in the face as we distract ourselves with the mundane.

Nothing is free

I did not think that I would have to keep tabs on what people do, but shit, people seem to keep tabs on me regularly. Apparently a favor is never free. Either everything is thrown in your face at some point or another, people forget what you do for THEM or they conveniently forget about something previously agreed to.

I can't handle/stand/accept inconsistency.
Unfortunately from this point forth I'll have to keep annoyingly meticulous records of anything and everything anyone I know does for me or on my behalf and vice versa.

I am unbelievably generous with the people I care about in spite of my quirks, pet peeves and germ issues, but when that gets disrespected or people want to act like I never did anything for them, that's it! You are cut the fuck off.

I'm keeping tabs now, bitches. Oh and favors are no longer policy. If one is needed, best believe the shit costs.

"Oh you need something from me? Remember that time when I needed something from you and you gave me bullshit? Right back at ya."

Times 3

Why does every mole hill seem like a mountain?
Why do I feel like giving up and still don't?
Why am I strong some days but not others?

There really should be a manual on life. They call the bible the book of life but all it does is glamorize accounts of raping and pillaging in "god's" name and tell you what not to do so you don't go to some imaginary hell. How about a book telling you how to avoid an asshole landlord? How to protect your credit score and identity? How to live life successfully NOW and not for some distant possibility of everlasting salvation?

I am having tuna salad for lunch today because lately I've been indulging in all sorts of bad/delicious food. Gain weight -> eat less calories -> lose weight.

Why can't life be that simple?

Silly things

Can't possibly write everything that i have in my mind but to reiterate, this blog is nothing but self-serving. My thoughts are cluttering my mind and i need purging, thus my rising from the proverbial ashes of the blog world.
By no means is this meant to inform anyone of anything unless they care about my mental meandering. That being said, i think im gonna use this as an objective study of my life.
Ive started and stopped so many blogs, it's already telling. Ive been lucky to find these remnants/jewels of my past and i intend on studying them to see if i can determine the grand secret/key/purpose of my existence. Failure to find such justification will result in the obvious.
Does one need a justification to exist? Well the way my mind works, as i've recently discovered, is if it doesn't follow some sort of logic/reason, i can't successfully compute it and then i proceed to discard it. Arrogant perhaps, but i guess i am humbled in my very search for answers.

i'm back and.. i just had to laugh at the ridiculousness of my past posts! oh life, you've been quite interesting. in an effort to start writing again.. here's a new post, yay:

Unscramble my words
   Untangle my actions
      So much inside
          aching to get out


If they only knew
thoughts whir
Everything’s blurred
I wish I had a better grasp of these words
   They escape me

 So hard to penetrate this dusty soul
    It gave up on love years ago
         Now we just go through the motions
 Mimicking
 what’s supposed to be

 But don’t feel a thing